So here goes another dark blog. But it’s real… and I feel most like writing when I am struggling.
I have been thinking a lot of my relationship with my mother lately or lack thereof of. When I say mother I have two, one adoptive and one biological. The one I will be writing about is my adoptive one. The one that I grew up with. The woman that I knew to be my mother.
I started thinking about my relationship with her more often the last couple months because I am getting married soon. When a woman gets married we think about picking out our dress with our mother and celebrating the bridal shower with them. Especially my wedding day. However my mother and I rarely ever speak. Maybe once or twice a year ..maybe… and it usually has to do with someone else.
My mother and I have always had a pretty rocky relationship. When it first started I don’t really know why..maybe typical mother daughter teenage bull crap. Maybe it was that I was extremely shy, quiet , and sensitive…and she didn’t understand it. Especially because everyone else was such social butterflies and super loud all the time. I don’t know if she knew how to handle a child like me. At least that is what I tell myself and the excuse I give her because it’s the only way I can understand. It didn’t help that my sister who was my same age was extremely outgoing and easily made friends. She was good at almost everything with in the first ten minutes she tried anything. She got good grades and was basically the daughter every mom hopes for and dreams of. I love my sister and it’s not her fault that my mom saw me differently then her. I was the complete opposite of my sister I was like I said shy, quiet, wore my heart on my sleeve, sensitive, awkward, creative , introverted and had one or two friends and sometimes none. I cried at lots of things because I felt life with my heart and not always logic or whatever. My mom instead of being able to understand always treated me like I was a malfunction of the family. Like I was too sensitive for her to handle. Like I was not smart enough or good enough to accomplish anything. I was treated like a outsider compared to my sister…and again that is not my sister’s fault that is my mother’s. Although I think it definitely did some damage to our close sisterly bond over the years.
I though long and hard about writing this blog because I didn’t want to hurt my mom’s feelings and I could just hear her disapproval now along with everything else. However I took a step back and realized what respect do I owe to the mother who keeps showing me I am not worthy of being there for. Who let’s me go through all big life moments alone. None… that is the answer.
I always get sad when I see my best friend having such a close relationship with her mother. They talk pretty much every single day and FaceTime… and they live in different states. I here all the time how much they talk about and how much her mom does for her and while I am so happy for her at the same time … it makes me want to cry. My fiance is close with his mother too and they hang out and talk about things … and I don’t know how to relate because I don’t have it. His mother actually planned my bridal shower party and I was so excited and happy but at the same time even more depressed that my own mom can’t even reach out and say even the slightest good luck or how did it go?
When I was 18 I gave my self a choice to stay with a family that never made me feel like I belonged there or that were happy I existed or to run away basically and never look back. I made the second choice. I ran away and also did many stupid and hurtful things that I regret to this day. Many people in my life don’t know how bad it was for me or why I left my family behind at that time but now you know … that is why. I am sorry for a lot of the pain I caused then… but I was in a very dark place where I hated my life and family so much I contemplated suicide many many times so I decided I had to get out of that toxic situation. Obviously there is more to it but nobody needs the details. I didn’t want to be the victim in my family anymore I wanted to be the hero of my story no matter how I had to do it. While I definitely regret some of the choices I made… I don’t regret leaving… is sad or bad that is to say. I went through a rough patch but I ended up much happier and learned a lot and grew a lot from my choice. What I loved most about my choices was I had my own voice, my own ideas … instead of having my mother their to tell me I couldn’t do it or I wasn’t smart enough. I loved that I could be myself freely with out feeling horrible about being myself. That I wouldn’t get yelled at for crying or caring or wanting to be alone. I learned to be free.
Now that my wedding is a month away I have heard nothing from my mother, not a call, text, or Facebook message and not going to lie it hurts intensely…even though I wish it didnt… I’ve cried a lot about it lately. Wishing my mom would care enough to reach out to me. I’m always told that she won’t do it and that I have to reach out to her , but fuck that… I’m tired of all of us kids she chose to adopt having to reach out to her. She is the mother she should care enough to see how our lives are going.
Something good that has come from my mom not being the mom I wanted her to be. I have become stronger. I have learned how to handle things by myself. To not need and rely on people. To love people who love me back with everything I have. And to never even let people treat me the way she treats or treated me. There is always bad that comes with the good though… because of the mom she was and is I’m guarded, I don’t trust people, I fear a lot, I am always at battles with myself if someone truly loves or cares about me or not because the one person who was supposed to didn’t. I am not as close to the rest of my family because of it.
However after this long blog post I would like to say to my mom if she reads this … I forgive you. I forgive the fact that you were not strong enough to take on raising someone like me. I forgive that you had a hard time growing up as well and maybe didn’t know how to handle all us kids. I forgive that I was never good enough for you, smart enough, pretty enough, etc. I forgive that I wasent what you hoped I was. I forgive that you needed to go off and live your own life and leave us behind. I forgive everything. I forgive you because you are only human. You like the rest of us make mistakes. Even if one of them was me. I forgive you because hate in my heart for you will get me no where. And no matter how hard I try I will always love you and hope you will want to fully be our mother one day. If you are reading this know that there is always time to make a fresh start and yes it won’t be easy to reconnect at first but if you try hard there is a place in my heart for you because youre my mom. But also note you are not aloud to keep coming in and out of my life anymore. You can just not call or talk for a year. You have tone try and keep trying. Because life is hard and family is hard but what is life with out family.
To all the moms out there doing the best they can to be in their children’s lives and makes them feel, smart, beautiful, and loved. Even when you’re tired and frustrated at the end of the day but you keep tryingoing. Know youre doing it right and yes it makes a difference especially later in life. Keep chugging along and being the best mommy’s possible because when you give up… your kids see it and feel it. When you show hatred and disapproval of them they feel it and they remember it forever. We forget what people say and the exact details of everything they did but we never forget how they made us feel.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read.
Amber’s Creative Spot.