Lost and in a slump. (trying to find life again)

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Do you ever find yourself unmotivated or in a life rut? Just unable to get motivated or happy? For the last few weeks I have found myself in a slump. I have not written a blog post in the last three to four weeks because of this. I have been trying to find things to blog about or get me motivated about life again but I didn’t want to write/ blog about something random that was not close to my heart so I stopped writing. Today I realized how stupid it was to stop writing all together once I found myself in a slump because writing is one of the things I do to express myself and to get me through rough times. I also thought why don’t I use this slump and vulnerable state that I am in as inspiration for my blog because it is real. However I began to think no one wants to read another depressing blog from me because they will think all I every am is sad haha. But then I thought to myself how untrue to myself would I be if I wrote about what other people want to read rather than what is in my heart and how showing my more sad, insecure , vulnerable side might help someone going through something similar. Yes I may be down sometimes more often than not with a lot of wicked curve balls life has been giving me lately. But such is life and we can’t all be happy go lucky and optimistic twenty four seven. So I decided today to use writing this article as a sense of expression of myself , to show others they aren’t alone , and share some things I do to regain my strength and love for life and inspiration.

I don’t always know why my life slumps happen. One day I could be completely full of life then the next day half way through the day something switches and life is not the same. It could be due to my life problems in general like bills, other financial problems, planning a wedding which being realistic is hard to afford, to family problems, job problems, and so many others. In the last month its just has seemed like everything I do , no matter what everything comes crashing down. If you have been reading my other blogs you know that I also struggle with getting pregnant which has become even harder this month as their seems to be many november newborns haha. My best friend just had her newborn son on the 15th. While I love my best friend with all my heart and I am extremely excited and happy to see her dream of having a baby come true; a huge part of my heart aches and wants to cry every time I see her baby and the pictures she posts. A part of me feels suffocated because I just want to experience what she and many others get to experience. Some may be thinking oh would you just get over it already! My answer to that would be , I would love if it worked that easily and I could just erase all my feelings but it doesn’t work like that.

To go more into detail about wedding planning struggles I have been experiencing and facing lately. My fiance and I are not wealthy by any means. In our everyday life its not the end of the world because we still love each other. However when we started planning our wedding when we first got engaged 3 years ago we realized that we were just not going to be able to afford what we had imagined for our wedding and one of his siblings were to be married that year anyway …so we decided it would be best to postpone our wedding a year. After one year things were still not going the way we desired them to be financially , so we decided to postpone another year. Now here we are 3 years later deciding to go through with our wedding no matter what the struggle is. We first started to plan a very romantic turn of the century wedding at a fairly decent priced 1900’s mansion. Mansion!? But I thought you weren’t wealthy? We aren’t ,this is a small mansion that we would be able to rent for a little over 2,000 dollars. Most would say that is a pretty good deal for a wedding venue. We sadly struggle with even affording that. Plus the other thousands of dollars that would go into catering, photography, videographer , wedding dress, tux, decorations, flowers, etc… Most might also be thinking well aren’t your family’s supposed to help pay for a lot of your wedding? My fiance and I are pretty stubborn when it comes to asking for help. We don’t like to burden other people with paying for our day. So as of four or five days ago we decided to completely change around our wedding plans and mix our honeymoon and wedding by having a california elopement/ destination beach wedding. (haha I know thats quite a mouth full of words) We have always liked the idea of mixing vacation and paradise with our wedding. We also found out it would be a lot cheaper this way as well. So what is the problem you may be thinking. The problem is that while it may be cheaper it is still a lot of money to fork over . Also our wedding was originally 6 months away in June but we realised so many things have been going wrong financially that we decided to move it up to mid March so that that there wasn’t such a long period of time before our wedding for to many other things to go wrong financially. Our wedding is now 4 months away. We know that tons of family and friends are going to freak out about us moving it up. I’ve already had the majority of my family say they are probably not going to make it which is 50% understandable because it is shorter notice and such , but also 50% depressing. My little sister has been the only one to confirm that she will be at our wedding. His family seems onboard thus far. The California wedding is 28 hours away and plane tickets are nearly 1,000 dollars. So our best option is driving and lets just get real that is a long drive. And so many other stresses that come with our wedding planning. I’m sure in the end it will be beautiful and everything will work out…until I will just be in my corner as a frantic bride to be haha.

Another stress is we just bought a car a few months ago and it is already giving us problems and we have had to buy a new battery. Insurance has gone up since the original agreement. So that has been hectic. We got the new car to get rid of our old car with problems not gain new ones haha.

I have been struggling with and wanting to go to cosmetology school but every year it just hasn’t been able to work out. Something always happens or finances are always scarce. We do not live close to a college. The schools that I have in mind are one to two hours or more away. I can not afford the gas there and back every single day…while keeping up with all of our bills and wedding planning. So it would seem going to school will be put off for another year.

One other problem I will include in this article but definitely not the last problem I have been dealing with lately. I have had a rocky relationship with my mother. She has been pretty much absent in mine and my siblings live in the last five to seven years. But she made an appearance in our home town this last summer. She was only supposed to stay for two weeks but ended up staying for a few months. It was nice having her in our lives again at first. But then she ended up acting shady the last month and then just left without saying good bye except for a text. Now we don’t know when she will be back or if she will be in my wedding. So that is fun… not… a few other honorable mentions haha are severe teeth and jaw problems and eczema break outs all over.

These problems and many more have been crashing down upon me and seem to keep piling up. I am not good with the unknown. I like to be very precise and prepared for everything. I am very much a perfectionist. So not knowing what is going to happen with all this hectic chaos going on right now is leaving me drained and unmotivated in life. I end up crying one to three times a week. I feel like I can barely concentrate on anything. I feel like a lost little puppy. Life is just not even a quarter of the way fun right now. So before I bore you with anymore of my silly problems let me share with you things that I do and will be doing to shake myself out of this slump.

1.) I love to write whether it be poetry, short stories, blogging, journal , etc. I helps me clear my thoughts and get everything out.

Here is a poem I wrote this morning. it is called –>

<< Wait for me! >>

Wait for me! I call out.

They are too far ahead , they can’t hear me even if I shout.

Wait for me!

Ive fallen, can’t you see!

Wait for me!

My voice weak as my hands start to push off the ground.

no sign of them, not a sound.

WAIT…FOr…meee…. my voice giving out and in strain.

My knees warn and my legs in pain.

WAIT FOR ….MMmeee…!

This time my feet planted beneath me.

WaaaIT FOR MEeee…

“Lets go! You got this! GO AGAIN! You will see!”

WAIT FOR ME!

“Half way there!”

“Don’t be scared”

WAIT FOR ME! I manged to shout!

I could finally see them in the distance…not to far out.

WAIT FOR ME!

“Getting closer!”

“For sure!”

WAIT FOR ME!

This time I could clearly see them and the way out.

“WAIT,WWaaAIT FOR ME!” I shout!

WAIT FOR ….Mmee…!

SNAP! My foot hit a stump and I trip.

Falling to the ground I lose my grip.

WAIT , WAIT FOR meee!

I look up to see the last one make their way out with out me.

That was it , my eyes swelled with tears , I could not see.

WAIT FOR ME!

WAAIT FOR meee..!

wait foooor meeee…!

wait …………. for       …

(my poems are usually a little dark or sad because I use poetry to express my feelings when I am hurting)

2.) Second thing I love to do is draw, sketch, design, color, paint. Create art. It is such a relaxing way to translate all your feelings into something beautiful.

3.) I love to read to take my mind off of things and live vicariously through characters and draw inspiration.

4.) Organize something…not to confuse this with everyday cleaning because cleaning is not my favorite thing to do lol…but to organize things in boxes or drawers …make lists..etc… it makes me feel like I am taking control. It helps.

5.) I like to vent to someone I trust and have a deep conversation about life…and bond over different struggles and get advice , learn, relearn ways, etc… venting and talking can really help.

I forget to do these things to often as life can tend to get hectic… but as I began to do this article today and some of the other things and continue to do things on the list today..my day is already looking up. I forget to do the things that I love and am passionate about. Things that just make me as an individual happy. As people with needs and wants to be happy , we need to take time for ourselves to pause . To find something we love that has nothing to do with what we are stressed out about and spend some time on it. To clear our minds and reset our balance in life. Most of us tend to think there is no time for small hobbies, or art, or getting reinspired. But my friend there is! Whether is be ten minutes you have before bed,or while your children are napping or at school or playing in their room,or when you get home from work, etc… if you really think about it you can find time. We tend to forget how easy it is to get off track in life and get lost. To get depressed and sad. To feel alone. To feel angry or unimportant. We tend to think that we are just supposed to suck it up and go go go twenty four seven. To be hard on ourselves because everyone else is. To think if you take a break or time to yourself you are being weak or selfish …but that is not the case at all. If you don’t make the time for small hobbies for yourself, you will find yourself tired, run down, depressed, and angry or crying all the time. Making the time to be happy is needed and healthy. Don’t let anyone else make you feel like getting a hobby, working on yourself , taking a break to yourself is stupid. Do it for you, for your future happier self, for your health, for your stress. Imagine all you could get accomplished if you took more time to be happy doing something you love for 10 minutes or so rather then being in overdrive frantically worrying about fixing everything.

Thank you again for tuning in especially to this long post today. I hope that this lets others that are struggling or in a slump in life know that they are not alone. That there are also things you can do to help yourself. Know that I understand and that I hope you take time to be happy and breathe. If you liked this blog post please follow , like , and comment!! Thank you!!! Have a wonderful rest of your day!!

Amber’s Creative Spot.

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