Being a introvert and what the world is like from my perspective.

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I am 26 years old and have been extremely introverted since before I could remember. A introvert is someone who is very quiet, doesn’t talk much and loves to be by themselves away from people.

I can remember being as little as 4 or 5 and being fearful of things my brothers and sisters were not afraid of… things like riding bike, rollerblading, talking to anyone, etc. I remember seeing family being able to interact with such ease and I was in the corner not knowing what to say. I would always think there has to be something wrong with me. I remember being called the weird kid in grade school because I was so quiet. I remember in my teen years people at school calling me stuck up because I didn’t socialize. Or I would get made fun of when I would have to do a presentation in front of class and my face got all red because I felt horrified… or when the teacher would call on me and I would get so nervous all the information would leave my head and I would freeze like an idiot. When I would come home from school I remember feeling weird because all my family would watch TV together and I would just want to go to my room and listen to music and be 100% by myself everyday…so much that I would even get yelled at for being antisocial. I never meant to be antisocial or rude , I was just much more comfortable alone and when I was with people even my family it drained me. I felt fatigued and miserable and anxious…completely uncomfortable. It was like they drained all the energy out of me even though it wasn’t their intentions. They were just very loud social butterflies and I was not like them. I remember feeling like the black sheep of the family and still do at times. I remember coming home from school and going to my room and crying because I couldn’t just talk and be social like the rest of the people in my class. Most of all I remember being so torn up and torturing myself about being so different then everyone. I never had the answers of why I was the way I was until I came across a article when I was 21 or 22 that mentioned the words introvert and extrovert and it sparked my curiosity. Can you believe that I spent my entire life up until a few years ago thinking their was something wrong with me that I was broken. I even had family and friends telling me that my personality was basically a malfunction…that I was too sensitive, that I felt to much, too dramatic, etc… and that always hurt me growing up.a0fdfdd9c55c848723567e241004ab56

Now I know that having a introverted personality is not something that I chose or anyone chooses. You are born with that type of personality. Just like extroverts (people that have to socialize and love to socialize) are born that way. You just can’t help it like a lot of people mistakenly assume.

Let me tell you what the world is like from my perspective in everyday life. When I wake up I usually need at least an hour of alone time before socializing at all outside of the house. Most days I hope that I don’t have to socialize or leave the house at all unless I plan something myself.  I dread that friends and family are going to call and ask me to come over. It’s not that I don’t love them but if I already saw them once that week then I am to socially drained to see them again until next week or maybe two. I know that sounds absurd but I dread hanging out at someone’s house having small talk and doing the same thing I could be doing at home. It gives me this sense of wasted time. I absolutely dislike small talk. If someone says hey what’s up, I say nothing much and then it’s followed up by awkward silence because I don’t know what to say after that. It’s crazy but literally my brain just freezes. I find small talk boring and a waste of time. I would much rather talk about much deeper things like life, adventure, secrets, dreams, the world, the meaning of life, etc… anything less then deep conversation bores me and I zone out..my brain just stops paying attention. Now I know to some that may seem rude but it’s not my intentions it’s just the way my brain works. I literally don’t know how to do small talk. That being said I dread meeting new people or making new friends because I literally don’t know what to talk about. I get so much anxiety that I sweat and my brain goes foggy. On the way to meeting new people I literally have to prepare myself and work through so much anxiety and overwhelming thoughts. It is very difficult for me to meet new people. When I finally come face to face with any new people I shut down. I get extremely quiet and my face gets red. I just sit or stand there until spoken to. I feel frozen and trapped. I am usually thinking about how much longer I have to endure this torture before I get to go home.9a8460e82fa0a93427e439cf8fd5ccde8e471131a3fb52e56da4cfbfd653f1cf

When I am at home we have a laundry room outside our apartment and I avoid it like the plague. I don’t want to run into any people. I don’t want to have that dreaded encounter and small talk. Just the thought of it gives me anxiety as I am writing this. I make my fiance take the trash out when he gets home because I don’t want to go outside where there are people. I think about all the possibilities of bad things that can happen as soon as I leave my home. Literally twenty things of horrific situations like being robbed or shot or kidnapped, etc… hahaha I know it sounds ridiculous but introverts have the biggest imagination and if I can imagine it then it is too real and possible to me.7830d47af62b7f6a2a95245c8f128bab

When we go to restaurants I dread it. I dread the idea of sitting in a place so filled up with people so close to me. I dread the idea I running into someone I know and having to talk or a stranger talking to me. It’s weird I know.

When my fiance’s family invites us over I dread it. Again not because I despise them but because I dread the small talk and awkwardness that follows,  like me sitting in the corner while they all socialize and I don’t know what to say the entire time so I just sit there silently. I don’t know what to talk about unless it’s really deep personal conversation.dc3d18d6864c7db036d5c5af6e82258c.jpg

I dread seeing my family more then twice a month for family get together because I dread when the conversation ends and everyone just sits there watching TV or something and I feel uncomfortable and anxious wishing I was at home watching TV in my own company instead.

I dread holidays when seeing lots of extended family that I don’t normally see because again I’m just the awkward one in the corner ..observing everything.

I dread when people want to shake my hand or hug me especially people I don’t know very well. I like my bubble of my own space and get extremely uncomfortable when others are in it. I even panic haha.b3de461285ab774d73f3f51c770e58db.jpg

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The above picture is too funny to me because I remember a time that I lived with other people and I would avoid the kitchen at all costs because I didnt want to see or be forced to socialize. It would give me panic attacks .c3a84ac1dc8b9dff3d1f69c05eee08b7.jpg

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The above photo speaks so much truth to me as a introvert. When I am around people even family or people who think we know each other well. If you watch closely I will start to show you glimpses of my true personality. But I watch people and the way they react, talk ,treat others, get emotional, or never emotional, criticize, judge, I observe every little facial expression you make to a t without you knowing it…and if you give me any sort of reaction or movement that shows me you don’t accept me or judge me I quickly become quiet , shut down, and distant myself from you. I am very aware of people’s actions because I am usually quiet and spend a lot of time observing. So if you think that we are close and I am quiet around you…we probably aren’t as close as you would like to think. My quietness usually means that I don’t trust you yet or that you’ve given me reason to question your motives about me. That the vibe you give off is clashing and overwhelming to me

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I always make plans to try and be more sociable through out the week but end up wanting to be at home instead. Just like the picture above. and the picture below describes me as a introvert extremely well haha.

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One thing that I have learned about introverts and my personality is that there are unique beautiful things that come with all the awkwardness and sensitiveness. I learned that me being extremely creative the way that I am with art, writing, drawing, music, etc… had a lot to do with being a introvert. We escape and relax while expressing ourselves the best way that we know how by being creative and making beautiful art.

Another thing that I learned about introverts and my type of personality. I have a extremely hard time finishing projects and things because I do not feel pleased with the work that I have done. I am very much a perfectionist and have high standards for myself and what I create. If I feel like I am not completing a task or project the way that I pictured it I will become very agitated and disappointed in myself and just stop the project over and over. I am constantly continually over analyzing  everything that I do. Even with this blog , if you notice typos or incorrectly formed sentences its because I just finished and published; because if I continued to correct everything I would keep correcting stuff I didn’t like or that didnt fit my standards until I would be so disappointed I would not continue blogging. also with social media like instagram I get so focused on having a them for all my pictures to look somewhat similar in tone , hue, or filter that I am constantly changing it. I constantly scroll through it being upset that it is not perfected the way I want it to be. I constantly redo things , I will start something and stick to it for months and feel it doesn’t fit my standards of perfection and delete or get rid of and start all over. Through out highschool I only had one art class because I hated it. Which I know sounds weird because I love to draw and be creative. But I hated art class because I would get this idea of how perfectly awesome the project would look but in the end I would get upset and keep starting over and over again…so much that I would turn in assignments late and get bad grades because I would take so long perfecting one single project. I was like this with all my classes if I could not complete something perfectly I wouldn’t do well. But art was the hardest. The same when it comes to decorating my home …I spend hours looking for the perfect decor but then a week later it doesn’t live up to my idea of perfect and I want to start all over and destroy everything. I dont but thats how I feel. The same with fashion I spend hours thinking of perfect outfits …well my idea of perfect. so when I am trying on ourfits for specific occasions it takes forever because again it doesn’t live up to my standards. My makeup and hair are the same way I spend lots of time on those things and my day is ruined if they dont turn out to be my idea of perfection. Its almost like a obsessive compulsive disorder. I never knew until I researched introvert personalities more and discovered its part of being a introvert.edc00e23037e48224f2f7dbbb8421142171030b63e92047986c5483ea9be1265.jpgcbd9f30600a0e9ce60e82b5a7ec666c2.jpg

This last picture ^ was perfect until the last part had me laughing with the genius part hahaha. I don’t consider myself a genius.

 

 

Here is what I want people to know about introverts and our ways of life. I know that you may think staying at home may be depressing but just know we are happy like this. Please stop telling us that we need to be more sociable and normal like you as a extrovert. It is hurtful because we are happy being us and want you to accept us just the way that we are. I have been told many times by people close to me that the way that I am socially and emotionally makes me weak, but that is not the case at all. Being a introvert make you much more aware of your feelings and others. Empathy is such a strong characteristic for introverts… our strong emotions is what makes us such good friends, sweet, and kind hearted. We need for people to stop telling us our way is the wrong way. Or that the way we are is not acceptable or good enough. Because you are basically saying because we are not like you, you do not accept us. We wish that people would stop trying to change us. But most importantly just love us for us and what makes us different. Be unconditional in your love to us.

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Thank you again for tuning in! I hope this helps everyone understand your friends or family members that are really quiet. Please check out more of my articles on my blog page. Please like, subscribe and comment for more great blogs.

Ambers Creative Spot.

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