Being the woman that struggles getting pregnant while everyone and their mothers announces they’re expecting. (And what not to say)

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My fiance and I have been together for 10 years and have tried to get pregnant in the last 3 years. I am 26 and he is about to be 27 in November. We both have looked in to ways on making it easier to have children but they have not seemed to help. We have never really used protection for the last 9 years and nothing. The only thing I have not done yet is go to the doctor to find out why it may not be working for us.

“Why haven’t you gone to the doctor?” You might be asking or thinking to yourself. The reason I have not seen the doctor is that I’m already hurting so much about not getting pregnant that I couldn’t imagine being told we can’t have kids. You might think that sounds dramatic , but it is the truth. I know going to the doctor can help but I havn’t been able to force myself to take that step in the last year. The thought of those words “you may never get pregnant” haunts me everyday. We both do plan on going to the doctor finally to see once and for all what’s going on.

Recently it has seemed to me that everyone I know and don’t know is announcing they are expecting a precious baby. It may be that my pain over not getting pregnant has made it seem that way. I have literally come across 16-17 pregnancy announcements in the last 2 weeks.

Let me tell you what it’s like to be the one who wants a baby but everyone is expecting but you. The moment I see a pregnancy announcement on facebook my heart sinks and I get anxiety. I struggle with holding back painful tears. I think about how much it’s unfair and somehow that turns into we deserve children more than they do when ultimately that’s not the case; because everyone deserves the magical gift of a child. However it sparks a jealousy in me I never even knew I had. When someone announces they are pregnant to me in person I literally feel like I am going to pass out. I have a panic attack and my head gets fuzzy. My heart breaks from the thought of knowing it’s something so very dear to my heart that I have been wanting for years. I get angry, sad , and depressed all in one. I lash out at my fiance even though I still love him. I avoid seeing people afraid that it’s just going to be one more announcement that rips me apart from the inside. I go through periods of crying a lot or being to numb to cry about it.

I also do my own photography for children, familit’s, new borns, etc… While I have a passion for it and I enjoy doing this for friends and family it also takes a toll on me. I get to take precious pictures of sweet family moments, or children going through stages, and newborns looking so cute and innocent. I think to myself how lucky they are and if they only knew how much of blessing they really do have. I think I would be such a good mom always followed by the heartbreaking statement of “if I ever have children one day.” I visit family and friends who have children because we are all growing up and at the age where children take place. I also baby sit and help out whenever possible… this also can be difficult. I don’t regret baby sitting or helping but at the same time being surrounded by the one thing you want 24 7 either in person or on social media is tragic to me. I begin to avoid people because I don’t want to put myself through that torture all the time and I don’t know how to possibly tell them that their children, babies, or pregnant bellies are breaking me and tearing me apart by each moment that passes. I also would never want to make someone feel bad for having such blessings in their life.

Last week I was at birthday party event for a baby turning one. It was difficult because I feel like I am so good at helping or taking care of children… but again it always ends with me going home with my fiance with out any children besides our two furbabies. While I was at the birthday party someone close to me also revealed they were expecting their first child and I about fell out of my chair. I was so excited for them and at the same time it was like time stopped and all I could hear was they were having a baby and again I was alone in not having one. As everyone began talking about the big news I could manage a smile but I was also fighting back a lump in my throat and a million tears that wanted to escape my eyes and heart. So eventually I excused my self and my fiance and I went home and sat depressed. Four or five days later I finally regained my strength and went to a work event to meet some new people and make friends and learn. Half way through the meeting one of the ladies let out that they messed up and weren’t supposed to say anything ,but the girl across the table from me was expecting her third child. I again was super excited for her because she is such a good mom and deserves all the blessings, however my heart felt like it was going to explode but not in a good way. I felt the lump in my throat coming and tears about to swell my eyes. But I took a deep breath and smiled. It felt as if someone came up and punched me and all the air and life left my body. It’s felt like I was suffocating and not present like I was watching my pathetic self stare and smile like a idiot hoping she didn’t see my pain. It was like no matter what I did I could not escape pregnancy announcements and like it was the plague following me around waiting to be done with me. The hurt and struggle with trying to get pregnant is beyond what I ever imagined it could be growing up.

If this is not something you struggle with you can’t possibly imagine the pain and heart break and if you do struggle you know the hurt is real and tragic.

So here are things to stop telling your friend or family member that is struggling with infertility.

1.)  Please for goodness sake stop telling us to stop thinking about it! It just makes us think about it more. It makes us feel as though we are stupid for wanting it as badly as we do. It doesn’t help at all. We know you are trying to be there but those words hurt.

2.) Stop telling us to stop stressing ourselves out. If it were that easy we would have done it already. It’s like if you found out you were losing your house and I said well don’t stress it. It just doesn’t work like that. It also makes us feel as though are feelings and frustration don’t matter and we are annoying you.

3.) Stop saying it will happen eventually. This just makes us anticipate it more. Want it and cry over it more. Because we think why eventually what’s wrong with us that you can have one now but we can’t.  What did we do wrong sort of thing.

4.) Stop saying you need to fix this or that in our lives and that will fix our infertility problem. It makes us feel as though we can’t do anything even something like getting pregnant. Like we are living our lives wrong…it’s just not a good vibe or feeling.

5.) Stop saying well there’s still the adoption option. We understand that. But we want our own baby just like you. We want to go through pregnancy and birth just like you as odd as that sounds. And —> 04b236822284228538b1ef4d0afca249.jpg

6.) Stop saying if it were mean to be it would be. In any situation that saying never helps. Again it just bring us pain and makes us think we aren’t good enough to to have kids or what’s wrong with us.

7.) Stop coming to us about how much your annoyed with your baby or kids…because we would give anything to have that annoyance and it hurts.

8.) Stop saying when you have kids… you’ll this or that or understand. It just makes the pain so much more worse because we would love to have the chance to do that. 13c435221f1d12312ee0338c3efc7547

9.) Stop getting mad at us if we don’t always want to hang out around your perfect little lucky family. Or you and your kids. It’s not personal to you it’s personal to us. Because it can be torturous.

10.) Stop telling us we are lucky because kids are such hard work and our life is easy! I can’t even begin to tell you how hurtful and untrue your statement is. Yes your life is hectic because you have kids but you love them and wouldn’t trade them for the world. And don’t so ignorantly assume because we don’t have kids that our life is so easy. WE have the agony and heart ache of despair everyday…you don’t. We cry not from annoying children but from a huge missing chunk in our life and from seeing you go baby shopping and throw birthday parties…from seeing you post pregnancy pictures to Christmas cards , etc… no our live are not easy and we would trade with you instantly just to be luck enough to have your hectic children filled life.

When I write this I am not in any way wanting anyone to feel bad getting the blessing to have a sweet baby. I instead want to give you food for thought when it come to your sister, fiend, daughter, cousin, son, brother, etc… who is falling apart every day more and more and every year that passes that it doesn’t happen. Sometime you don’t need to fix their situation or try to find something to say sometimes we just need your judgement free understanding and support when we can’t always be happy.

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4 thoughts on “Being the woman that struggles getting pregnant while everyone and their mothers announces they’re expecting. (And what not to say)

  1. Amber, my love one of my best friends!! I’m sorry you feel this way I never knew.. But I’m here for you when ever you need to talk! I thought I could never get pregnant and now I have too. I love you! And you and Curtis deserve a baby!! – love always Sabrina

  2. Thank you so much for this post, my husband and I have been trying for two years to get pregnant. We did get pregnant and had a miscarriage, and have been trying ever since then. I also get tired of hearing people say things to us and try really hard not to be mean but it is so hard. I also have people say to me you have three beautiful children why would you want to start over (my children by my first husband are 16,17,18) well because we would like to have a biological child of our own that’s why! I understand what your going through, and prayers for you!

    1. Thank you for your thoughtful words. I am sorry you are struggling and had to go through a miscarriage. It is extremely difficult when people say things with out thinking about how it will cause us pain. I hope you get your baby blessing soon and continue to grow your family!

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