The picture above is when we were babies in highschool …I don’t sadly have a picture when we first went out. At the end of the post I will have one more of us from highschool and a picture of us now and our furbabies!
Hello again ladies and gentlemen! I hope you are having a splendid day! I am sorry I have not gotten a new blog post up in over a week. No excuses for this week and going forward with posts from now on! Now let’s continue to the blog below! 🙂
My fiance and I celebrated our ten year anniversary in May about five months ago. So it has technically been almost ten and a half years. We are set to be married the beginning of July next year.
We started dating when we were sixteen almost seventeen in high school. I am twenty six and he is about to be twenty seven. I can’t believe how much time has flown by , how much has changed, and that we are still going strong…it even makes me feel old at times haha.
We did not move in together until we were twenty one ,So we have lived together in our relationship for almost six years.
We did have a break for two years when I was nineteen and twenty ,though we still saw each other around town. We also had mutual friends. It can be complicated. We got back together fully and moved in together when I was twenty one.
So now that I have filled you in on some of the main back story information, I am going to talk about what it’s like to be in a relationship with the same person after ten years. The following paragraphs are very quick summaries giving you just a hint of what it’s like. I will go into more detail on certain things in another post on another day .:)
Being in a committed long term relationship is not what social media memes and movies always make it out to be. Being in love , fully in love is not what most fantasize it to be. Living together over a long period of time is not what memes have this generation believing it will be like.
In the beginning love is pretty simple , straightforward and fun. The beginning with the belly fully of butterflies and blushing red cheeks, it is sweet and innocent. You know you have a interest in the other person and you would like to spend more time with them. You laugh, and talk about your favorite movies and colors, and learn about your fears ,and dreams. You get picked up at your home for dates to the movies or out to eat etc. However this is where most people think they are in love and that love is this perfect scenario, the truth is the true love hasn’t even started yet. Like I said in the beginning it’s easy as it should be. A lot of people get hung up on the beginning and if they have a fight or things get complicated they give up because they think love isn’t supposed to be hard…and they are right to a certain degree. Love is not hard. But love is tough for people who are learning the true meaning of love, the unconditional love, the committed love.
When you first begin to live with someone it’s exciting and almost like playing house as an adult. You move your stuff in together. You cook for each other. You play and giggle around the house. You are filled with tons of happiness knowing you don’t have to say good bye to each other at the end of the night. You get to do the dirty all the time with out any rules or bed times etc…
Now let’s fast forward to seven or eight months later. You start learning every single habit of your partners both wonderful and annoying. You learn about their crazy families that call or visit all the time, or their friends. Responsibilities and bills have set in. It’s not quite as fun as it was in the beginning and you start getting on each others nerves and you have your first three or four horrifically big fights. This time you live together and you have no other home to go home to because you are home now. Leaving isn’t a option because your fights mostly take place at two in the morning …you could drive around for a bit but eventually you’ll have to come back home. So you go to seperate rooms or one of you may sleep on the couch. One hour passes and you realise how stupid the fight was and you cry and apologise and so does your partner and you kiss and makeup and do the dirty. For now everything is fixed again and love is complete.
Fast forward to one year almost two years later of living together . By now you both have learned that fighting a lot comes with the territory. You learn that there was a lot more annoying habits your partner had then you thought. You get annoyed at the smallest of things like the way they chew, the way they clean, the way they sleep (snore), talk, don’t talk, that their humor gets old etc… More and more responsibilities and bills are piling up. This time you start having horrific fights at least two -three times a week. You both will just be screaming at the top of your lungs at each other. One of you will eventually break down and cry …and the other might or might not comfort you this time. This time it takes maybe a day or so to get over your fights and completely apologise for both of yours irrational behavior. By now one of you will have maybe lost a job or quit…and possibly desperately searching for a new one. Meanwhile the bills get higher and harder to pay. You go on less dates.
Fast forward to three and half years of living and loving together. By now both of you have definitely given up on looking perfect for each other. If you don’t have anywhere to go you both look like homeless people in your sweats and unbrushed hair. You have learned the exact routine of the person from when they wake up to the time they go to bed. Literally you know what to expect from what they eat, do, and what they say , you can even predict their attitude for the day…I know it sounds ridiculous but it’s true. So now that you know their routine even the slightest attitude will send you both into small quarrels at each other’s throats… but these are smaller fights because you know that even though you’re annoyed you still love them hopefully. This time around you don’t have nearly as many big fights …but more fights in general throughout the day just tinier petty fights over silly things like someone not putting their dish in the sink ,or not taking out the trash , or what movie to watch. Both of you will be on each other’s nerves , so much that doing the dirty won’t always fix things anymore…kissing and making up is not really a option because that’s old news now. Now maybe you’ve traveled together, possibly gotten engaged, both of you have had up and downs in the workplace, maybe you’ve moved once or twice. Just the thought of bills will send you both into a frenzy or a little fight. This time it’s harder to feel sorry for the other person when you know what they do and don’t do.
Now let’s fast forward to five almost six years of living and loving together. By now you hardly ever go on as many dates as you used to. Your possible idea of spending quality time together is sitting on the couch watching a season finale of one of yours favorite TV shows. Possibly binge watching a new one with your mouth and hands full of snacks. Neither one of you are looking your sexiest…and yet you feel so at ease and beautiful at the same time knowing you two are having fun this way and so simple. This time around one of you or both of you have gained weight and depression…you both fight about it. One of you feels misunderstood and this time you don’t make up because you both have learned to just ignore things or that it’s easier to leave things unsaid. Eventually that fight will be brought back up a week later and you’ll fight all over again but this time you will make up and do the dirty (Hopefully). This time around you have to spice things up in the bedroom because you know exactly what the other person looks like and not that you’re not attracted to them but now there is nothing new. By this time you have fought so many times and even thought of giving up. In the end you couldn’t possibly live with the thought of not having that annoying person around. That just because it isn’t easy doesn’t mean you don’t love them. You learn that neither one of you is perfect and you’re both a mess and don’t know what you’re doing, but somehow your fit perfectly together at the end of the night when you’re snuggling together from your arms to your toes. And at the end of the day you know that all that hassle is worth it in the name of love. That life is messy but love, unconditional love is beautiful. Living and loving together can make you so much more of a couple and a team or it can literally rip everything from you and tear you apart. Lots of people confuse life and all the responsibilities ,and all that messy terrible stuff with love…but love, true love is the stuff that happens in between the heart aches, fights and jobs, moving, learning etc… real love is when you’re half way through yelling at the other person and you see them sad and it breaks your heart and you want to hug them over being mad at them. Real love is when you both need a job and you’re nearly homeless and struggling and fighting everyday…but you still hold their hand at the grocery store…or you save $1 to buy them their favorite candy bar even though you can’t afford anything else. Real love is when you are done fighting and you go into separate rooms and the other person comes in after you and hugs you until you stop crying. Real love is when one of you falls asleep first and the other tucks them into bed or covers them cozily into a blanket. Real love is knowing one of you had a bad day at work so you make the house spotless for them when they get home along with their favorite dinner. Real love is even though you did this I will still love you. Real love is even in my darkest days you are my home and I love you. Real love is even though you said hurtful things I understand you were struggling with something deeper and I will still love you. Real love is always and forever and most of all unconditional in everything.
There’s so much more that goes into a long term relationship but I feel like I would have to write a book to get it all in haha. Of Course a few quick mentions every long, long term relationship couple also goes through is jealousy, temptation, wondering what it would be like to start over with someone else, pregnancy, lack of pregnancy, family issues, and so much more…but I’ll save that for a different day and a different post. For now I will tell you 10 things I learned in ten years of our relationship.
1.) Forgive often. Forgive as much as you would want someone to forgive you every time you do something wrong. If you can not learn to forgive with a loving heart that sees we are all human and we all make mistakes , just differently. If you can’t do this you will fill yourself with so much hatred and resentment and sooner or later you will divorce or break up because you can’t go on like that…I’ve seen it happen and I’ve also learned this from many of my older friends, married friends, parents etc…I’ve learned that with out forgiveness you lose friendship in your relationship and you end up having a lot to repair instead of being mature and forgiving in the first place.
2.) Learn the difference between love and life. This is a huge one and I have to admit it took a while for me to learn this. Life is where it gets messy. Life is filled with jobs, money, bills, apartments, houses, family, friends, enemies , loss, depression, anger, sadness, etc… all of that is not love. People tend to think if life gets tough and you fight more often it means that you’re not in love or your relationship isn’t worth all the hassle. But love is not difficult life is. Love is pure, forgiving, selfless, romantic, laughter, bonding , soft touches, forehead kisses, cuddling, sweet words, late nights being in each others company. Love is kindness and unconditional. Anything else is not to be confused with love.
3.) You have to accept them in every single part of their very being. You can’t have a checklist on how you expect them to be. One because they are human , and two you would not want them to do that to you. You have to accept that they have annoying traits and habits just like you. They sin just like you just different. And love is unconditional.
4.) Don’t try to change them. If you are trying to change them you will only cause more chaos in the relationship. Changing them means that you are judging them and putting yourself above them thinking you know better… and like I said we all are annoying. You aren’t going to find Mr perfect…if you stop trying to change the guys you come across you will find someone imperfectly perfect for you in all his corny little flaws. Love someone the way you would want to be loved with all your flaws.
5.) Make time for each other. Even if you schedules are hectic if there is a day you have off or a few hours here or there make one of those hours a priority for your significant other. Trust me it makes a difference. Whether it’s being naughty together, watching a TV show, talking about your day or week, bonding over your pet, or child it means everything. If you don’t make the other person a priority you lose the meaning of your relationship, of love. You open up your relationship for the other person to resent you or push you away ;the way you pushed them away by not making them a priority. You can even open up a can of temptation for your partner if you leave them lonely or second priority all the time. It has to work both ways though you both have to try.
6.) Try to never put them down. Whether it is at home or in public or with friends. Never be the partner that makes them look bad or makes them feel small. I understand fights happen and a few hurtful things get said…but that’s not what I’m meaning here . For instance you just noticed your partner forgot to do something and maybe they have done it before and your first reaction is to be upset and you are allowed to be upset. So get upset tell them that it hurt your feelings or that you are mad. But stop there because the second you rip into telling them they aren’t smart enough to do stuff or belittling them in any way …you push them away from you. They lose trust in you more and more by each hurtful word you say. They won’t talk to you anymore because they will assume you are going to freak out and be hurtful. They will want to vent to someone who won’t make them feel worthless… and they have every right to feel this way if you can’t control yourself enough to not make them feel stupid and worthless. Especially if you do this to them in front of friends or family…it’s the worst and in those moments you make them feel small they learn how to hate you. Remember everyone messes up a lot ,even you. If someone brought light to every time you messed up and made you feel stupid, you would eventually hate and resent them too. Stand strong with your partner not against them. Two as team can accomplish great things. Love is never cruel.
7.) Be your partner’s biggest fan. Even on the smallest things. So they accomplished cleaning the house for you or doing just the dishes or made you a bath. Be proud of them and tell them… love them passionately in that moment. Because if you can’t appreciate the small things they will never want to do even the big things for you. Be their biggest fan with their work, job, career, family, hobbies, friends,etc… cheer them on for every amount of good they do. Because in those moments even the small ones you create love in yourself and your partner. You build a bond between the two of you that makes the other person want to come to you with things and talk to you. They appreciate you more and more. If you don’t want to be their biggest fan they won’t come to you and tell you things, they will want to talk to everyone but you. They will push you away. And let’s face it they won’t be your fan either. Love is empowering and kind. It lifts us up. If you treat your partner with respect and dignity.
8.) Communicate! Don’t just assume the other person just knows what your saying or what they did wrong or how they are supposed to help you. That is naive and selfish. You don’t want people to be that way with you . You have to care enough to fully communicate what your trying to say with out telling the other person they are stupid. You need to tell the person what they can do even if you feel like you’ve said it before…because the situation goes both ways. You know you have been in a situation where someone has thought you should know why they are mad or that they’ve said the same thing over and over , but you didn’t know so you get upset. The same goes for your partner. If you break off communication you’re basically saying hello fights 24 7 and you don’t care about the other person or the relationship. Communicate plans , going out , etc… the same as you would expect the other person. Communicate hurt feelings or happy feelings …without communication there is no relationship.
9.) Take time to make memories with each other. Even silly ones. Like going somewhere you both have never been (restaurant, town, state, adventure, store, etc) take a road trip somewhere doesn’t have to be far away just something the both of you can look back on a year later or when you’re older. Take pictures together. I know to some this seems silly…but it makes a difference. I noticed the more we were silly together and took selfies together weekly or monthly the more we goofed around together and felt close and bonded like we did when we first started dating. I also noticed when we would go months without taking pictures or doing silly videos , with out taking that time to make those memories and be silly together…without taking time to be close we started to grow cold with each other and drift apart and get tired of each other. Relationships take effort and if you don’t take time for the small stuff you won’t get the big stuff in the end. You have to always be mending and fighting for each other …you can’t just sit there everyday and fight and expect it to get better you have to try. Love is romantic, it’s sweet, and pure.
10.) Last but not least make sure you and your partner don’t lose yourselves in the relationship Keep being yourself. do things for yourself by yourself. I know this is sounds silly and you’re probably thinking i’ll always be my complete self no relationship will do that to me! But it’s so easy to get in the habit of putting yourself on hold to make the other person happy. Find hobbies that just you like. Let your partner do the same. If your partner wants to do something without you let them. Let them be free and feel free in your relationship. If they want to go hang out with friends let them go be by themselves let them breathe without restriction or bed time. You are not their mother and you shouldn’t act like it. Telling them what they can or can’t do takes away a part of them , of who they are individually… if they want to take up a new hobby or class let them. Encourage them to be themselves and to grow and be free. Encourage them to keep doing things for themselves. Do the same for yourself ! Don’t lose who you are, your individuality. If you have a hobby you like stick with it. If you have given up all hobbies find one to start. If you want to go hang out with friends do it. But keep communication open between the two of you. Don’t expect your partner to tell you where they are going or exactly what they are doing if you can’t. But in all honesty keeping individuality is so important. Losing yourself in a relationship kills everything. You can’t truly keep someone else happy if you can’t make yourself happy in who you are …alone ,in you time. And you can’t expect the other person to be happy if you take away their hobbies and their alone time to be with out you with friends or adventure. Love is unconditional in everything.
This last picture is us now with our adorable furbabies! Well that wraps it up for this post. Of course there are many other things I learned but I will save that for another post. I have been thinking of things I have to offer people in my blogs something that I’ve been through that could help others. Today I thought of this and I am surprised I didn’t think of it before. I’m still young so it never occurs to me that I have been in a super long relationship for my age. I thought this post could help those who are in relationships or having a hard time knowing what is love and when to know if it’s now love. To know what it realistically is like in a long, long term relationship. I hope somewhere , someone I helped today, or gave you food for thought.
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Ambers creative spot.